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Another lawyer story.......
This
is why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small Texas town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me? She responded.....
"Why,
yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're
a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes,
I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied,
"Why
yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the
judge brought the court room to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either
of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt.
 Having a bad day ?
There was a case in one hospital's
Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it
had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m.
on Sundays.
So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate
the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books
and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time
sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
More
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them
both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,almost
in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Still think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters
were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!
Still having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with
"return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling
better?
True Story.
Yes?
On the 20th
of July 1969, as Commander of the Apollo Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon,
thats one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind, this statement was televised and heard and replayed to millions.
But just before he re-entered the Lander he made the enigmatic remark Good luck Mr Gorsky Many people at NASA thought it was
a casual comment regarding a rival Cosmonaut, however upon checking there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American
space programs.
Over the years
many people questioned Neil as to what the Good luck Mr Gorsky statement meant, but always Neil just smiled. On the 5th July 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida,
whilst answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question. This time he finally responded,
as Mr Gorsky had died, Neil felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when
he was a kid in a small Midwestern town he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball into
a neighbours yard by the bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he lent down to pick up the ball he overheard
Mrs Gorsky shout, Oral Sex, You want Oral Sex? You'll get Oral
Sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!
1.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in
one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive
force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why
we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when
you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one
thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.
FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Words
of wisdom.
1)Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a
girl crying.
3) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
4) You've never
quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Nobody ever dares make
cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11) Its impossible to describe the smell
of a wet cat.
12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always
turn up a bouncy ball.
14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
15) Everyone always remembers the day
a dog ran into your school.
16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
17)
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
18) Some days you see lots
of people on crutches.
19) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
21)
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23) You
never ever run out of salt.
24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26)
Bricks are horrible to carry.
27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
28) People who don't drive slam
car doors too hard.
29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
Some questions..........
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person
owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their
mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous
when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs
inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that
'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the
first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12.
What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person
that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from
corn, vegetable oil from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you
that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere,
you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice
that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?
Here's a letter from a misused British citizen to his
telecommunications provider. Those of us with a less-developed sense of style and a humbler command of the lingo can only
wistfully aspire to such heights of seasoned complaint.......
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since
9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three month
period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional
prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My
initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire saturday sitting on my fat
arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your
infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?
I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with
my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled
installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools such
as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls
actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived .. a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to
pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about
6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone
connection.
I have made nine telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been
informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been
redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several
other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other
dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly
I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending
hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were
shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*stards you truly are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum: incompetents
of the highest order. British Telecom - wank*rs though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy puss-filled
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort
payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver.
Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused
rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent
and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,
Yours psychotically,
 Best lawyer
story of the year and reported to be absolutely true.
A New York lawyer
purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the
policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In
his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing
the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer
sued...and won!
In delivering
the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it
would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay
the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000
to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts
of ARSON!!!!
So with his
insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and came 1st
in a recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
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