tbaoo ... the bike site ( well it used to be )
dumb three
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tbaoo ... the bike site ( well it used to be ) dumb three |
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DO
YOU OWN A GOLDFISH Two
builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer
and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Chris
- I reckon he's an accountant. James
- No way - he's a stockbroker. Chris
- he aint a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The
argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On
entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity
and the several beers get the better of the builder. Chris
- Scuse me mate. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit
- No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Chris
- Oh! What's that then? Suit
- I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris
- Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit
- Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which
is it? Chris
- It's in a pond! Suit
- Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris
- As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit
- Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Chris
- As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself! Suit
- Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are probably married? Chris
- Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit
- Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris
- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit
- Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Chris
- Never. Suit
- Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Chris
- How's that then? Suit
- Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Chris
- I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. James
- I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Chris
- Yep! He's a logical scientist! James
- What's that then? Chris
- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? James
- Nope. Chris
- Well then, you're a wanker. The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of this year's winning entries: 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of
the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette"
to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver,loads one chamber gives the cylinder spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...CLICK...empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the Ritual...CLICK...empty. The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?" "One of them is a cannibal"  Irish pilots...
Aer
Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to "B'jeesus" said
Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin
kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna
be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin
kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus.
When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. And den ye put
de flaps down straight away" said Paddy. Right, I'll be
doing dat" replied Shamus." And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy Right, I'll be
doing dat" replied Shamus. So they approached
the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the in
reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines,
squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief
of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in
the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest
fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked
out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is". |
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STRESS MANAGEMENT
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY
Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You're in them Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way ugly: She makes more money than you |
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