Dumb Shit 2

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Feeling Blue, Try Feeling Yellow

DO YOU OWN A GOLDFISH

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris - I reckon he's an accountant.

James - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris - he aint a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris - Scuse me mate. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris - Oh! What's that then?

Suit - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.

Which is it?

Chris - It's in a pond!

Suit - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!

Suit - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are probably married?

Chris - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris - Never.

Suit - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris - How's that then?

Suit - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Chris - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James - What's that then?

Chris - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James - Nope.

Chris - Well then, you're a wanker.

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver,loads one chamber gives the cylinder spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...CLICK...empty chamber.

He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the Ritual...CLICK...empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door.

In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
"One of them is a cannibal"

Irish pilots...

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus."

And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy

Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucas every two weeks or it'll digest itself.
The dot over the letter i is called a tittle.
A raisin dropped in a glass of champagne will bounce up and down(top to bottom)for a bloody long time all by itself.
A female feret will die if when in heat,she can't find a mate.
A ducks quack doesn't echo, no one knows why.
The name Wendy was created for the book Peter Pan, it did not exist before.
Charlie Chaplin once won "third" place in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike competion.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you won't sink in quicksand.
Bruce Lee was so fast they had to slow down most of his moves for his films.

STRESS MANAGEMENT
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See! You're smiling already!

THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your
daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you


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